So, today is a nice day. I hope it's nice for you too!

I didn't do much, just the usual ig. Gonna have my first dnd session today so that's exciting. The dm is really into it and I am too, don't know if the others are though. I feel like a loser all the time yk, maybe I just have too much of it. Also, inspect element is my favorite thing ever :)

Well, not really but it makes life so much easier lol. If my cat was a thing she'd be my favorite, I love her a lot. Even though it's gonna take a few months I'm already lamenting the fact we'll have to part ways... Specially now that she's getting a little older and needs more love and attention. I feel terrible, I know how much abandonment hurts so it's really painful to have to do it to her. People say "it's just a pet" but to me she's been the only one I hold dear.

She's the only one I love! I can't sleep a single night without knowing for certain that she's in my bedroom. Mel is just as attached to me as I am to her. It tears my soul apart but I guess that's just how life is sometimes. Hopefully I'll find someone really nice that will love her as much as I do and will care for her while I'm gone. I'll demand daily updates of course. Along with pictures, lots of them.

I don't think the design I chose for this works well for long entries like this one, I'll change it around a bit.

I feel weird, ig I'm doing it to myself at this point.

Lesson learned? Probably not. I'm trying, although I don't know if what I'm trying to accomplish is self help or sabotage.

Maybe I'll spend my entire life chasing my own tail and it's best to just embrace it instead of pretending I do anything to help myself.

It's what I truly think right now. Suddenly I don't even feel like expressing anything.

Right now I feel like a failure. Can't help but feel like things would be better for everyone around me if I simply wasn't around.

I feel like that all the time to some degree. I don't think it's a good thing to be myself around others, almost as if the dark thoughts are beneficial to some extent.

They put me in my place after all.

It's day 240 before Christmas and I don't really know how I'm feeling.

Happy? maybe, I did finally send in my visa papers today and that's really awesome, but I really don't know.

If anything I feel like I've gone back in time. I feel the void pulling me in and I don't have as much willpower and strength to fight it right now.

"home is where the haunt is"

I usually type this late at night, but here we are at 12:49.

I hate the 12h clock system, so at least here I'll use the 24h one (much simpler imo).

Woke up rather drowsy today and it took me a while to get out of bed. I very much enjoyed the chat though...

It's not often that I find people I can have crazy, relaxed yet deep and long conversations with on a tuesday morning before getting up lol.

Not sure what I'm gonna do while waiting for the visa. We'll see, I have way too much free time and too little self control, so I'm scared I might give in too much to my bad habits and

depression

Either way, doing this has been very therapeutic for me even if there's no one reading. This is the first time I look forward to adding new entries to a journal. The same goes for the rest of the site, I didn't know what to put here at first but now I have so many ideas. Like a poetry page, music page, links... so much!

Talking abt poetry btw, I was recommended a poet called Rachel Wetzteon by a friend, and holy shit I love her poetry. Her words hit hard.

So, I don't know what I'm doing... In the broadest sense of it, I have no clue.

I'm kinda scared of life now

, alcohol seems to be the only thing keeping me in a not depressed state but it comes back ten fold when I'm not on it.

I'm not an alcoholic and don't want to become one, I just have to stop choosing to "feel good" in the moment and get my shit together. Even if it'll feel like hell.